The Origin of Apple’s New iPod Shuffle

[Scene: Deep underground within Apple’s gargantuan corporate headquarters. The throne room is massive. White. Brightly lit. And above all: utterly quiet. Along the walls, countless silhouettes of drug-crazed dancers gesticulate wildly, their fear of imminent death betrayed only by their desperate grasp on their iPods and occasional silent tears falling to the sterile floor. In the precise center of the room, perched atop an Apple-shaped dais, sits the Dark Lord himself, dressed in a fine ceremonial black turtleneck and exquisite blue jeans. He sips a Half-Caf No-Foam Venti Caramel Double Latte as he expertly balances a MacBook Pro upon his scaly knee in a cruel, mocking parody of his idle followers worldwide.]

Rat King: Uh… Noble One…?

Steve Jobs: [Softly] You come bearing news, my apprentice?

Rat King: The data you requested has arrived. They bought it, my lord. I can’t believe they actually bought it! We sold them an iPod without a fucking screen! We are truly the Gods of these mindless zealots!

Steve Jobs: Of course, my youngling. You should know by now that our domination over the forces of reason within our market segment is complete.

Rat King: Yes, my lord. But it had no screen! I never thought…

Steve Jobs: SILENCE!

[Moments pass. The Rat King trembles. The Dark Lord takes a loud sip from his Venti Caramel Double Latte.]

Steve Jobs: Still you have no faith? Very well. Perhaps you need a more… explicit demonstration.

Rat King: I shall obey, my Lord.

Steve Jobs: Send word to our High Priests. They are to produce an iPod with no screen and NO BUTTONS!

[The Rat King gasps. One distant silhouette stops dancing. An instant later, her quiet screams of agony are heard as her faceless form collapses and is drawn into the white. A replacement materializes in the same moment, the poor child dancing before she touches the ground.]

Steve Jobs: This device shall speak to our disciples. It shall bring them the True Word of our order, for the Foretold is nigh.

[The Rat King kneels and touches his ugly head to the Apple dais as the scene slowly fades to white.]